Don’t you just hate it when you’ve been on your feet after a long stressful day at work preparing a nutritious dinner for your beloved family and in comes your spouse with a bottle of Coca-Cola, Domino’s pizza, and hot wings. Have you experienced stripping your children of their electronic devices and screen time because of their poor attitude and grades and observed your spouse hand your son or daughter his iPhone so he could take a nap without any disturbance? And for all of my Nubian sisters reading this, how do you feel after your husband takes your daughter to the water park the day after you paid for a Dominican blowout? In marriage, these real life events I described earlier are ingredients for a perfect storm especially coupled with demands at work. However, when you are separated or divorced, these “minor” infractions breed hostility and resentment in a relationship that is already broken.
Providing the best for your child is hard work. Training your children to choose and eat healthy foods and cultivate a desire to learn and read is a process that takes a considerable amount of time. Creating a home environment absent the influences of our culture and society is a challenge. Raising your child to be a good student at school, a person of integrity, and faithful in completing chores at home is not an assignment for the faint at heart. Now, imagine having to share these responsibilities with a parent that does not live with you. This idea and vision is what is referred to as co-parenting. Co-parenting feels impossible when the other parent does not support your child(ren) financially, ignores your concerns about your child, hangs the phone up in your face when he or she does not like what you have to say, and disrespects you in the presence of your child. If you were honest with yourself, the thought of the other parent staying away permanently and remain out of the picture would be like getting your Christmas presents in August. In those moments, there is no desire to be polite. There is no desire to see (let alone talk to) the other parent, or share ANY information with him or her. In fact, blocking the phone number of your child’s other parent becomes second nature and very comforting. Figuratively speaking, we throw the other parent and the notion of “co-parenting” out the window. Before you close and lock the window on co-parenting, here are (7) things you should know about co-parenting:
If a judge has awarded both parents with joint legal custody (North Carolina and Georgia matters) or shared parental responsibility (Florida matters) it means that both parents have a legal responsibility to make important decisions regarding the health, education, discipline, etc. of their minor child together and obtain the input and consent of the other parent. This requires open and consistent communication between both parties.
It is a good practice to list the name of both parents on all school, dental and medical records so that both parents have access to the information pertaining to the child(ren) upon request. Omitting the name of the other parent when you register your child for school is not a good idea. Attorney’s (like me) will use this behavior to show that you are attempting to alienate the other parent from your child’s life.
Make healthy communication a habit between you and the other parent. Healthy communication in co-parenting is non-negotiable. Good habits for healthy communication includes mutual respect. Refrain from the use of sarcasm, profanity, yelling, and ending a phone call abruptly without notice when communicating.
Schedule times and decide on methods of communication that work for both parties. Someone’s a nasty and short response to your text message may have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the text coming at 3 a.m. in the morning about inconsequential stuff (e.g. stupid stuff).
Do not use the children to communicate your feelings, plans, and desires to the other parent. Let children have the opportunity to love their mother and father without considering your opinions and feelings. Growing up in these times is challenging. Being raised in two separate homes, with different expectations and rules is a lot for your child to deal with. Having them process your feelings and attitudes about their mother or father before interacting with that parent is a detriment to the emotional and mental wellbeing of your child.
Get professional help and therapy to deal with the harm and pain the other parent caused you during your relationship. You must learn how to manage your emotions when dealing with the pain and heartache the other parent caused you. Unless you do, your child will grow and learn to despise the other parent in the same way you do. However, if that is your intent, you are setting your child up for relational issues in the future.
If co-parenting does harm to your child, then seek a modification of the Court order first before you make a unilateral decision to not abide by the Court order. Two wrongs don’t make it right. Failure to heed this warning may result in the other parent filing a Motion for Contempt and possibly opening you up to being jailed or fined for violation of a Court order. Document the ways in which the other parent has displayed that they lack the disposition to co-parent and have that evidence ready for production in a trial.
Parenting is a job for a lifetime. Trying to co-parent when you are dealing with the hurt and pain that your child’s other parent may have caused make the experience of co-parenting a dreadful one. However, you can do it in a healthy way with the right plan, mindset, and attitude. Your children deserve to have both parents raise him or her. Poor communication and relational skills may pose as a challenge to co-parenting, but these challenges can be overcome. Let principles of mutual respect, learning when it is appropriate to speak and how to speak, and love for humanity guide you and set you free.