Where to find hope in a relationship when the love is gone?

Saying “I do” to the one you love is a dream and reoccurring daydream that you may recall having from the time you started  puberty.  If your dream became a reality, then you will agree with me that your vision for your relationship compared to your actual relationship may be very different than what you imagined.  In fact, if the truth be told, there are seasons where the relationship may have turned into a nightmare.  For those who believe and are committed to staying married “for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health…till death do us part,”  you require resources to include, but not limited to the following:  a lot of prayer, several writing journals, an emotionally available social support system, at least (4-6) self care days away from the family, and perhaps individual and/or marriage counseling.  And if you cannot relate to the message…PRAISE GOD and unicorns do exists!

Whether you are married or not, the same path is yours if you made the decision to have a child with your former romantic partner.  As much as you would like to divorce yourself from the man that cannot hold down a full-time job or consistently pay $50 in child support per month, he will still have a right to visit with his or her child.  Yes, this may seem illogical and cause you to lose your mind, but it is a fact that this father or mother has rights.

Some relationships between former romantic partners can be so toxic and dysfunctional, that under all circumstances you’d walk away and cut him or her loose.  However, when you go half on a baby, you are inherently committing yourself to communicating with this person until your child reaches the age of 18.  Thereafter, we may not have to talk anymore, but you’ll more than likely bump into each other at your child’s wedding, graduation, birthday parties, baby showers, family dinners, etc.  When children are born during your relationship or arrangement, you have the option of breaking up. In the case of a marriage, you have the option to get your marriage dissolved.  However, legally and ethically you don’t get to dissolve the co-parenting relationship.  The divorce decree or custody order may give you guidelines and parameters to help you transition from your union, but these documents cannot change how you feel and what you feel towards that other person.

When you give 100% to support and love your child and this fool your child calls daddy does not show up for the his weekend visit or your child’s basketball game, then your brain tells your heart "dude is dead to me.”  Or perhaps you hate your baby momma so much that the volume and pitch in your voice is always at a level 10 when you have to communicate with her.

If any of this resonates with you, then I have a message for you.  DO NOT LOOSE HOPE!  Relationships are challenging and that is an understatement.  However, as we grow in grace and wisdom we learn how to manage our emotions and control our impulses and behaviors.  Healthy co-parenting must be the aim.  Before you can require someone to be a good communicator you must become the change that you want to see.  Change and character develop takes time.  The observer must be patient and trust and believe that change will come.  We must learn to hold on to hope and be faithful with working on ourselves.  Remember, the other parent is your child’s other half.  We must learn to respect and love that person in a healthy way to give our children the opportunity to share a quality life with both parents.  Believe in what appears to be the impossible and learn how to love the unlovable unconditionally.  The other parent may not change, but the change that will take place in your life will make you stronger and bring you inner peace.

Written by: Betty F. Toussaint, Attorney and Counselor at Law

(3) Tips to get through the custody schedule this holiday season.

Twas the night before the custodial exchange, when all through the house, moms’ and dads’ nerves were stirring, each at their own respective house.

Overnight children’s bags were packed and standing next to the staircase with care,

In hopes that the non-custodial parent would soon call and share they would not be there.

Unfortunately, the holiday season can be the most tense and stressful time for families struggling with child custody dramas.  Your vision for Christmas Day is now a distant memory after the judge entered your child custody order.  How will you cope this season without seeing your son or daughter on Christmas Day?  How do you normally feel when you have to leave the food and laughter around the dinner table early to meet your child’s other parent at the exchange location an hour or two away?

If you are experiencing disappointment, anxiety, and sadness around the holidays because you won’t get to see the look on your child’s face on Christmas morning you are not alone.   The reality is that many children may not have the opportunity to spend quality time with both parents throughout the entire winter break.  Some may get to spend time with their child for half the day.  One year, some may see their child on Christmas, but not Thanksgiving and then the arrangement switches around the next year.  It all depends on your unique situation and what the parties and/or judge decided.  Whatever custodial arrangement you may have, I have (3) tips for you to get through this holiday season.

#1 - Be positive.  Your child may be struggling with the custodial visitation schedule.  It’s up to you to change the tone this season and help your child to see this as an adventure and a wonderful opportunity to create a memorable holiday.  Take your child to buy a Christmas gift for the other parent and help them wrap it.  Consider purchasing a scrapbook for your child to keep pictures of their memories and time with the other parent and help your child put it together when they come back from their visit.  Our children feed off of our energy.  During the holiday season be on a strict positive energy diet for the entire family.

#2 - Make room for one more guest.  I know this is wishful thinking, but think about planning a family field trip during the winter break that includes both parents, their significant other (if applicable), and your child(ren) and have fun.  For one day, try not to remember how your ex wronged you and just focus on creating a memory of unity joy, love, and peace for your child during the holidays.

#3 - Make the best with the time you have.  Share with your child that they get to have two Christmas Days this year!  That would be amazing!  Who says that Christmas Day has to be December 25? It wasn’t Jesus. In fact, December 25 appeared on the Roman calendar from AD 336.  In light of that, pick your own “Christmas Day” this December and let it snow!  You get to control the environment and tone in your home.  Use your time wisely and get creative.

We cannot go back in time and change who we decided to go half on a baby with.  However, you can plan the time you have in the future.  Change the narrative this holiday season.  After all, tis the season to be jolly!

What would happen if you read a page from your child's diary?

Dear Diary…

I feel so lonely right now.  My tears won’t stop falling.  I’m scared that the judge will take daddy away.  It’s all mom’s fault.  She hates daddy.  Sometimes I think she hates me because everyone says I look like him.  I can’t fall asleep right now.  Every time I close my eyes, I keep having nightmares—me screaming at daddy and mommy to stop fighting.  Sometimes I want to live with daddy, but I don’t want to be around his ugly girlfriend. She’s not my mother and I don’t need her as a friend.  I’ve got plenty.  She tries to smile in my face and be nice when daddy is around, but when daddy leaves me here with her she yells at me and she’s mean.  She lets her son do whatever he wants to, but when I do any little thing she wants to snatch my phone.  She has no right to take my phone.  It’s not hers.  She’s not my mother and I don’t have to listen to her.  She’s not the boss of me.  I just want it to just be me and daddy when I come to his house.  He never spends any time with me.  He’s either sleeping, watching a basketball game, or spending time with his girlfriend.  I don’t think he loves me anymore.  He has his “new” family now.  This sucks.  I wish mommy and daddy were still together minus the yelling, screaming, and fighting.  They hate each other because of me.  I hate my life.  I’m sad. I can’t stop crying right now.  Mommy’s always crying and she’s always so sad.  I don’t know how to make her happy.  Maybe if I went away they’d both be happy…

If you were to read a page from the diary of your child, what would it say?  What would you learn about how your child really feels about you?  Would you care?  Do you care?  Do not interpret their lack of communication or silence to mean that they are fine with the status quo.

Your new beau may be a new “threat” in your child’s eyes.  Feelings of jealously, insecurity, and anger may lay low under the radar and may go undetected when your child spends time in their room alone,  or on their phone.   Children fall in and out of love with their parents.

Children may not feel comfortable sharing their private thoughts with their parents.  Some don’t know how.  Some may not get the opportunity. Oftentimes, fighting parents don’t consider the impact the dysfunctional and toxic relationship and behaviors are having on their child.  Children are ALWAYS caught in the crossfires of adults that don’t know how to manage their emotions and unresolved relational issues.  It’s not right and it’s not fair to the children of these relationships.

Young children do not have the tools and skills needed to effectively communicate their feelings.  When we’ve moved on with our lives, they have not.  When we’ve disconnected emotionally and physically from their father or mother, they have not. If many parents could write the script for how the story of their lives would end, it would include a scene where the other parent gets hit by a car and dies.  Then the surviving parent gets a letter from their attorney explaining that the pending custody action got dismissed,  he or she has sole custody and primary physical custody of the minor child, and they now live happily ever after.

I get it, stress-free living, a life devoid of baby momma drama, paystubs that don’t include a monthly child support deduction would be lovely.  HOWEVER (not unfortunately), the truth is that your child needs both parents in their lives.  Fathers provide protection and security to their child.  Mothers provide structure and care.  When both parents learn to work together to raise and love their child, it produces confident and emotionally secure children.

Parents must learn to do what is in the best interests of the child(ren) and recognize when their preferences and past relational traumas are having an adverse affect on their judgement and behaviors as it relates to their child(ren). Get professional intervention to deal with the pain and hurt you experienced in the relationship with your ex-spouse or ex-partner if your hate for that person is greater than your love for your child.  My hope is that you will be “woke” to the realities found in your child’s heart.

The Art of Designing an “At-Risk Child”

How many of us remember coming home to an empty house after school?  How many people out there had parents that asked about their day?  Did your parents know the name of your teacher?  Did your parents attend your school plays?  Did your parents really “know” the adults in your life? Did your parents really know you?

Many children don’t have the benefit of having a stay at home mom or dad.  The average parent is required to work 40+ hours in order to “float”; one adult working two jobs or two income households is needed to provide the basic necessities.  As a result, many parents are absent. They miss the cues and the warning signs that communicate there is something wrong with your son or daughter internally.  Some fathers lack a meaningful relationship with their daughter and don’t know how to interpret her silent cry for help.  Emotionally absent parents don’t notice RED, glaring flags being waved by their children when predators are walking through the hallways of their homes after being invited to come through the front doors.

Have you ever noticed that your daughter stays in her room when daddy’s “friend” comes to the house?  Have you ever noticed that your son keeps his door closed all the time?  When is the last time you told your son or daughter that you love them?  If you counted the number of times you commended your child compared to the number of times you criticized your child which number is greater?  Some dads are emotionally unavailable and miss their opportunities to affirm their sons.  Some moms are too busy working in and outside the home and miss their opportunity to nurture and protect their children emotionally.  Parents come home to children and there is no desire to engage that child, because parents are tired. These parents are absent physically and emotionally.

Children with parents who are physically and emotionally unavailable learn to depend on themselves and their friends for emotional support and affirmation.  They learn from society and the culture they live in what is “normal” behavior for relationships.    If you want help designing an at-risk child here are (7) tips that will help you get the job done:

1. Seldom tell your child that you love them.

2. Spend as little time as possible with your child.

3. Allow anyone you know (friend or family) to spend time alone with your child before teaching them that sexual offenders exists in the world and in the family.

4. Criticize your child more than you affirm them.

5. Teach them how to be independent, self-sufficient, isolated children.

6. Refrain from disciplining your child.

7. Deprive your child of affection, hugs, and kisses.

Before our children start using drugs and alcohol, or become promiscuous, there were various types of seeds sowed in the home and in their relationship with you (the parent).  Yes, there are children born with certain tendencies and biological dispositions towards certain behaviors.  However, what we feed our children or fail to provide them contributes to the person they become.  Stop and consider how you use your time and energy.  Parents are in the business of designing children.  What type of child are you shaping and molding today?

We are ALL called to serve and protect the vulnerable.

My aunt, known by the Toussaint Bailey household as “Auntie,” is in her 80s.  She migrated to the United States from Haiti.  She helped raise my brother and I, and she has been an enormous help to me as a working mother.  I cannot remember any period of my childhood without her in it.   Although my aunt is aging, she is bright, independent, and strong.  She balances her own bank accounts, makes her own doctor’s appointments, and performs her own household chores (and sometimes assists me with mine).  She is a great cook.  She enjoys feeding my family and my family enjoys sitting at her dinner table to feast on her delicious Haitian cuisine that we did not have to prepare.

As I observe my aunt care for my children and herself, I am amazed at her strength and youthful spirit.   When I compare her abilities and skills with the clients that I serve in my capacity as a Guardian Ad Litem, I know that my aunt is blessed and so is our family.  Many adults in their 80s and 70s in our communities are unable to do what Auntie does.

Many members of our elderly community are living in isolation with no support.  Some of our senior citizens are struggling to live independently and no one is there to assist them.  Unfortunately, this population is vulnerable.  There are individuals in our society that exploit, abuse, and take advantage of the elderly community.  When we talk about the abuse of the elderly, people often make references to workers in nursing homes.  However, in my profession, I am saddened to learn that many of the children of the elderly community are the culprits when it comes to the abuse and financial exploitation of our elderly community.

As our parents age, their capacity to manage their finances and activities of daily living diminishes gradually.  In addition, they are not as mobile as they once were.  Some experience lack of healthy foods and diet.  Others struggle with mobility.  Some of our senior citizens are unaware when they are being exploited and taken advantage of.  Some are too weak and tired to speak up.  And there are those that are afraid.

As a society, we’ve got to step up, speak up, and fight for the lives for our elderly.

King Solomon wrote:

“Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.  Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

As an attorney, advocate, and defender, those words are a call to action. I take those words seriously and try my best to be engaged with our aged community.  Unless we pay attention to what is happening, our elderly community will lose their lives and what they have worked their entire lives for.

Below are (7) things you can do to help the elderly community.

1. Visit the elderly in your family and your faith community.

2. If you know of an elderly person that is being abused or neglected, report it to the Department of Social Services in your county.

3. Submit an application for the appointment of a guardian if you believe that the aged member in your community is unable to live independently and/or care for him or herself.

4. Provide them with transportation to the grocery store, pharmacy, and doctor’s office.

5. Volunteer to assist the elderly with cutting their grass and providing them with assistance completing household chores.

6. Show the elderly community patience and respect.

7. Love on our elderly community with hugs and smiles.

If you have an elderly member in your community and family that may need assistance with managing their finances, independent living, or actives of daily living services we can help. When an elderly person does not have the capacity to help themselves it means it is our responsibility to step in and help.

(7) Tips to communicate to your baby momma or daddy when you don’t want to.

All jokes aside, there is nothing more depressing than finally leaving a toxic and unhealthy relationship and then learning one or two weeks later that you are pregnant for a man you loathe.  Did your baby momma cheat on you during your relationship? Did he only spend quality time with you in the bedroom under the sheets? Did he only perform acts of service when he wanted some?  Did she lack the emotional capacity and vocabulary to speak words of affirmation? Did you bring a child into the world together and are now living apart? If you answered yes to any of these questions, communicating with that other parent is the last thing that you want to do. Lending money to a friend and waiting to be repaid can be annoying.  Imagine waiting months and years for child support to come from your child’s mother or father when s/he is only ordered to pay $50 per month. The word “annoying” does not adequately convey or do justice to your feelings about that parent.  For those who engage in communication with the other parent that includes yelling, cussing, tears, and disrespect this message is for you. I don’t need to ask whether you can relate to the scenarios above because the numbers tell it all. 

According to Pew Research Center, 23% of U.S. children under the age of 18 live in a single parent home. The docket for child support cases needing to be heard is high and the number of domestic violence cases in our criminal courts is alarming. Regardless of the circumstances, you have to find ways to communicate for the sake of your children.  Here are (7) effective ways to communicate to your child’s other parent.

1. FOCUS ON THE FACTS.  Communicate factual information related to the children using email and/or text messages.  As an attorney, we are skilled in distinguishing facts from feelings.  When you communicate with the other parent, share your emotions and feelings with your friends, family, and God and just stick with the facts when discussing issues related to your child.

2. LET THE APPROPRIATE PARTIES DO THE TALKING.   Add the other parent’s contact information on school records and online medical portals for your child so the other parent has direct access to the information and parties.  Share your baby momma’s or daddy’s contact information with your child’s coaches so that the coach can speak directly to both parents regarding your child’s progress, games, etc.  Invite the other parent to participate in doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, and the extracurricular activities for your child.  Give the other parent the opportunity to receive the information firsthand and remove yourself from being the middle man when it comes to communication about your child. Let the professionals do the talking when it comes to sharing information regarding your child’s welfare, health, and education if you don’t want to.

3. COMMUNICATE ON A FULL TANK.  It’s very hard to tolerate foolishness and petty behavior from others when we are under a lot of stress and dealing with life challenges.  Some of us may not have enough self-control to guard our tongues and words when we are feeling the strain under the pressures of life. Thus, it is important to know thyself and know when your emotional tank is full or empty.  Wait to communicate with your child’s other parent if your emotional tank is low.  Speaking at the wrong time with the wrong tone with the wrong words is  not in your child’s best interest.

4. USE A PARENTING COORDINATOR.  Parenting coordinators are ordered by a judge for families that have highly contested custody battles.  Parenting coordinators are not free.  However, if you have a volatile relationship with your child’s baby daddy or momma, then having a neutral third party decide the issues that you cannot seem to agree upon will help tremendously.  Ask an attorney about how to get a court order for a parenting coordinator in your custody matter.

5. SEEK THE ASSISTANCE OF A FAMILY COUNSELOR.  Whether you like it or not, you and your child’s mother or father are now family for life. If you have the funds to afford a family therapist I recommend getting one and both parents participate. A family therapist may help you navigate the murky waters of co-parenting if you just can’t seem to get on the same page with your child’s other parent. If the relationship is strained, then invest in a counselor that can help you and the other parent work through your personal issues and give you the strategies to co-parent with each other.

6. DAILY COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOUR CHILD AND THE OTHER PARENT.   Your child should get in the habit of having open and frequent communication with both parents.  School aged children know how to talk and share their feelings with adults.  Set-up a regular time and space for your child to speak openly and freely with the other parent.

7. BE RESPECTFUL WHEN COMMUNICATING.  You don’t have to like someone to treat them with respect.  Profanity, screaming, and yelling should NEVER be used when communicating with anybody.  If you struggle with those behaviors, then recognize that there are some areas in your character that you need to grow in and extend some grace to yourself and others.

Words have the power of life and death.  Oftentimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong way.  Other times we fail to realize that we should not be speaking at all and someone else needs to be doing the talking.  Our children need both their parents to communicate with each other for their sake.  As parents learn how to communicate about matters related to their child, our children benefit. Our children will have two engaged parents and develop stronger bonds and relationships with both parents.

Silence is not an option for our children.

For any Haitian or Haitian-American reading this, you may agree with me that there is an unspoken expectation in the Haitian culture when it comes to familial issues— keep the personal details of your home life to yourself and keep quiet about the dysfunction.   Other cultures may share the same sentiments or unspoken rules of the family.  As a child, I remember hearing adults gossip (referred to as gossip because nobody did anything about it, but spread the word) about households where domestic violence was the norm and minding our own business was the expectation.  And in each of those homes, children lived in them. 

Each of us struggles with life stressors that we may not be able to manage on our own. When we are unable to manage stress, we may lose control and lack the capacity to manage our emotions and anger.  Imagine living in a house or being in a relationship with a  partner that struggles with the “normal” life stuff and has power and control issues.  Imagine doing life with your spouse or cohabitating with a partner that routinely uses violence to control you.  If you can’t imagine that, then let me help you.

You hear criticism about everything you do by the one who vowed before friends and family to love you.  This same person appears to find joy  in verbally reminding and highlighting your imperfections and insecurities.  You live in fear.  You feel vulnerable.  You are yelled and screamed at when spoken to more often than not.  Your children watch you get pushed, slapped, and beat.  You worry your children may get hurt when they try to rescue you from the hands of your abuser.  You live in shame because your partner disrespects you with the tone and derogatory words he uses to describe you in the presence of your child(ren).   You may feel alone and lonely, because you have isolated yourself from your family and friends.  You look in the mirror and you don’t like and recognize what you see.  You observe the beautiful woman God created now wearing various shades of purple and red circles around her eyes and lumps on her face that a man created and not God.  Your friends may never get the opportunity to see you in this condition, but your children do.  Your sons and daughters get to watch you pretend like you’re o.k. and that your face is a result of “normal” behavior.

I am disappointed with the adults and citizens in our communities and neighborhoods that know about abuse happening in various homes and do absolutely nothing.  They remain silent. They may hear the cries of their neighbors, but ignore their need for help.  They neglect to call the police or report the matter to Child Protection Services.   As I grow in wisdom and understanding, silence about abuse is WRONG.  Keeping silent about abuse our children may be experiencing and/or watching is not an option.

Many clients I encounter who are dealing with their county’s social services department (e.g. DSS or DHS) are frustrated with the system and will argue that DSS is wrongfully removing their children from their care when it is found that their children observed acts of domestic violence.   However, parents fail to appreciate and understand that children are also victims of domestic violence when they are present in the home when domestic violence is taking place.  Parents have the first responsibility to protect, nurture, and provide for their children.   When parents are unable to carry out these responsibilities, then the village that these families are in must support and help these families.  If that help is rejected by the parent(s), then we as a society and community must help the children in these homes by any means necessary.  Doing nothing and pretending that the problem will go away or resolve itself over time is not an option.

Here are a few tips to help you help a friend or loved one experiencing domestic violence:

1. Take them to the local sheriff’s office to report the abuse.

2. Help them get an attorney to assist them with obtaining a restraining order (e.g. 50B, protective order, and/or an injunction).

3. Contact your local county Department of Social Services (DSS). DSS will help them with developing a safety plan and provide them with other services. DSS may remove your child(ren) from the home where there is domestic violence.

4. Consider letting the children and the battered partner or spouse stay with you while he or she works on finding a new place to live or get out of the abusive relationship.

If he or she refuses help and does not want intervention, you MUST be the voice for the children and do what is in their best interests.  At a minimum report the abuse you have personal knowledge of to the police.  Let’s learn how to be good neighbors and send a message to our children that their lives matter and that we care.

I want and need my RHYTHM.

The month of September was a BEAST, B-E-A-S-T, BEAST!  The month was packed with non-budgeted expenses and third party behaviors I could not control.  The new school year was now in session with school supply lists, back to school shopping list, and a daily homework lists that did not harmonize with my work life demands.  The never ending morning car rider lines were crawling under my brown skin and causing my eyes to roll as I watched the time tick away slowly. The number of dirty dishes multiplied in the sink before I got home from work.  The number of hours I enjoyed throughout the night each day varied like last week’s winning lottery numbers.   Work assignments, client demands, and unmet expectations continued to flow in unpredictable spurts. There was no more energy left to exert at the gym.  No more laughter to share with friends.  No more words left to engage.  No more movement in my fingers to respond to email or text messages by the end of each day.  And did I add, no time to prepare for the coming of Hurricane Ian.  The “climate” in September was set-up for a perfect storm physically, mentally, and emotionally.

My days were spent running.  My nights were spent tossing and turning.  Restful nights were akin to unicorns.   

When we lose our rhythm our children hear it when we scream at them over spilled milk.  Our spouses or partners sense it in the brief hellos and goodbyes that barely leave our lips.  Our co-workers detect it through our office door or the “Door Not Disturb” sign on our door knob.

When a choir has lost its rhythm there is no harmony.

When the song has no rhythm there is no dancing.

When the heart has lost its rhythm we are dying.

When our sleep has no rhythm there is no rest.

When our work day has no rhythm there is no growth and progress.

Our lives need rhythm.

Here are (3) of the most important rhythms that will promote healthy parenting, family life, and living:

1. Rhythm of Prayer - You must start your day off with prayer, devotion, and meditation. Before the children wake up, before you check your social media accounts, or text messages, spend some quiet time listening and talking with God.

2. Rhythm of Praise - You must be committed to seeing the good in the people in your life and the blessings in your day and acknowledge them. Share your praise and gratitude for your blessings with others and God. Your trials are preparing you for the greatest comeback stories you will tell in the future.

3. Rhythm of Rest - Create time in your day to rest your mind and body. Stop, disengage for a while, and just be still. And remember each week we get to enjoy the Sabbath.

Our lives need rhythm.  When our lives have a rhythm of prayer, praise, and rest, we will experience joy, love, and peace.  If you’ve lost your rhythm this season get it back so you can get to the business of living and serving.

X-Factor

“Loving you is like a battle.  And we both end up with scares.”

“No matter how I think we grow you always seem to let me know it ain’t working.”

“I keep letting you back in.  How can I explain myself.  As painful as this thing has been I just can’t be with no one else.”

Do these words sound familiar to you?  You guessed it.  Lauryn Hill’s “X-Factor”.    If the truth be told, the lyrics to this song resonated with many of us when it first came out.  You find yourself in relationships that hurt you deeply, both emotionally and physically.  However, we stay in these dysfunctional relationships.  When we think about domestic violence we don’t see ourselves as domestic violence victims, but many of us are.  We may be in relationships that are broken and dangerous, but we convince ourselves that we are in relationships with our soulmates.  The truth is that your mate is trying to kill, steal, and destroy your soul.

The red flags are glaring in your face, blinding your vision, flashing before your eyes, begging you to WALK away, ABORT the relationship, CUT him off, RUN for your life, but alas, we ignore the signs and continue to travel on a dead end road.  We convince ourselves that it is love. News flash…IT’S NOT LOVE.  IT’S DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.

Love is a beautiful thing when it’s the real thing.  Society makes us believe that love is physical and sexual attraction.  Some of us believe that when a man or woman gets a little jealous sometimes, or calls you often to find out where you are and who you are with, that these are signs that he or she is madly in love with you.  The truth is that he or she is mad, insecure, and in love with power, control, and dominance.

If you are in a relationship with someone who makes you cry more often than not, it’s time to reevaluate your relationship and adjust your standards and boundaries.    In addition, it’s time to start loving yourself and replacing the lies your spouse or partner has shared with you with these truths…you are worthy of respect, love, and freedom.  Your life has value.  You deserve someone that will care for you and protect you, not harm you.  You need someone in your life that will speak words of affirmation in your life and not criticism, rejection, and disapproval.

If you are in a relationship that leaves bruises, scratches, and scares (internally AND externally) there is hope and help for you.  Keep the lines of communication open with your family and friends.  Don’t shut them out or allow your partner to convince you to isolate yourself from them.  Many counties have shelters for battered women and pay for housing.  There are organizations that provide free legal services to obtain restraining orders and divorces in some jurisdictions.  There is even relocation funds available to assist victims of domestic violence in many counties.  Help is out there.  All that is required of you is to make a decision.  It’s either life or death.  What other factors really matter?

The truth about relationships.

All you want to do is spend some quality time with your child, but according to your child’s mother, your seven year old’s schedule is booked every night this week.  You try to FaceTime your daughter, but she doesn’t return your calls.  You later learn that your phone number was mysteriously deleted from her iPad.  You make the effort to surprise your son at his school with McDonald’s for lunch, but the principal does not let you through the school doors because according to your child’s  registration form and emergency contact information, Jane’s daddy DOES NOT exist.

A woman scorned is no joke.  But when that scorned woman is your baby’s momma…watch out “bruh” and good luck with that.  Don’t fool yourself, you are not going to have a relationship with your child unless you get a court order or you pretend that you still have feelings for her and that you remain sexually involved with her.  This is the sad and ugly truth in the world of family law.

Your relationship with your child will not improve until your relationship with your child’s mother improves.  Hurt people hurt people.  Until your child’s mother heals from the pain that she believes you caused and created, your feelings and your legal rights may not matter to her.  So what should you do if you are involved in this Jerry Springer episode?  Here are (3) tips to help you work through the madness.

#1 - Stay high.  You will get disrespected.  You will get called outside your name.  No matter the behavior that your child’s other parent may use to express their hurt and bitterness from your broken relationship, you must stay high when he or she goes low.  Pray for your enemies. 

$2 - File a complaint or petition for custody and visitation. Ask for 50/50 custody if you really want to be involved as an active parent  in your child’s life.  Having your child stay with you every other weekend may be convenient for your social life, but it doesn’t afford you enough time to raise your child(ren).

#3 - Save documentation of the attempts you’ve made to connect with your child and the other parent’s response.  We can argue about feelings all day long, but there’s no disputing facts.

Having a mature relationship with your child’s other parent requires  humility, patience, compassion, and perseverance.  Having no relationship with your child’s other parent is not an option and nor is it in the best interests of the minor child.  Parents must learn to communicate WITH each other and without yelling. In addition, parents must learn to establish and maintain appropriate boundaries.  Your child’s future depends on it.

Till Death Do Us Part

“Burning Bed” is one of the most memorable movies from my childhood.  If this title is before your time, I will just highlight the major points.  Farrah Fawcett played the role of Francine Hughes, a housewife and mother, who endured years of emotional, financial, and physical abuse.  She was  a victim of domestic violence.  The family knew it was happening, but remained silent.  If my memory serves me correctly, she got her children out of the house one day, and lit her home on fire while her husband was still in the house sleeping.  She was arrested and charged with murder.  Since that time, I have met numerous women who have walked a mile or two in the shoes of Francine Hughes.  

Women who are financially dependent on their spouses for income, food, clothing, and transportation AND have no control over the financial decisions in the home.  

Women who are called bitches and disrespected by men who married and promised to cherish them.

Women who are pushed, slapped, and beaten with fists, belts, and sticks.

Women who stay in relationships for years, because they believe they have no options.

I remember one day visiting a specific home while I was hanging out with my beloved uncle.  When we arrived at the front door of this home, we heard screaming.  We rushed and observed this women who was on the ground faced down, screaming and crying, while her husband held a tight grip of her hair in one hand and a stick in the other.   This woman was helpless.  In the background was a crying baby.  This infant was too young to know what was going on, but instinctively knew he was in danger and he needed to communicate his distress to anyone that had ears and could hear.  Unfortunately, as is the case with so many victims of domestic violence, this women remained in that abusive relationship for years.

I have defended both men and women against charges of domestic violence.   And I have prosecuted both men and women for domestic violence.  One thing is for sure, domestic violence is not unique to any race, culture, religious affiliation, profession, socioeconomic status, or gender.  We all have experienced feeling angry.  The issue is not the feeling.  The issues lay with the decisions we make when we feel angry.  A wise man named Solomon once said, “A fool gives full vent to his anger.”  

When you are in a healthy relationship with appropriate boundaries it’s a beautiful and wonderful experience.  However, if you are in a relationship that is unhealthy (e.g no respect for boundaries, one or both parties lack self-control, etc.) you are bound to need my legal services in the criminal arena sooner or later.   

The first step in getting out of an abusive and/or unhealthy relationship is to acknowledge or come to an awareness that the relationship you are in is toxic and be able to first identify your unhealthy and inappropriate behaviors.

Self-awareness is a powerful thing.  No one knows you better than YOU!  When you stop to reflect on your behaviors, emotions, and mindsets, you are setting in motion positive long term changes in your life and relationships.  Anger and a desire to be in SOLE control is a struggle for so many of us.  Today, I encourage you to examine your responses and reactions to the individuals that you are in an intimate relationship with and be 100 with YOU.  

The A, B, Cs of co-parenting this new school year.

On August 29, 2022, everyone in our household was up and running early before the sun made its way into the day.   It was the first day of kindergarten for our daughter.  There were so many emotions that went through my mind that day. 

I felt happy.  Going back to school meant structured time in a learning environment for Olivia and more free time for me (Hallelujah)! 

I felt satisfied.  School days meant that my son would be guaranteed to get some daily fresh air and exercise that he needs. 

I felt anxious.  The reality is that when you send your kids to school you are helpless in protecting them from mentally imbalanced individuals who have access to guns.

I felt hopeful.  The education my children will receive will be the foundation on which their academic career will stand. 

I felt blessed.  I have an intelligent, beautiful, and loving daughter that knows her worth and value, and a son who is strong and independent.  

My husband and I walked our daughter into her kindergarten classroom and then she was off to a whole new world.  That is a moment that I will cherish and remember.  However, I recognize that every child will not have that memory.  I know for a fact that some parents are not afforded the opportunity to even know what school their child attends.  Some parents don’t list the name of the other parent on school registration forms out of spite.  Some parents don’t share open house information to alienate the other parent from their child’s life.  For those parents who allow their emotions to control their decisions—STOP!  

Every parent should have the opportunity to meet and build a rapport with their child’s teacher.  Every child should have memories of their mother or father bringing treats to their classroom.  Your child’s teacher should know that you exist.  Every parent should be emotionally available to provide support, direction, and encouragement to the child they brought into the world.  When your daughter has her first crush, both parents should be around to educate her about how to deal with boys.  Be a member of your child’s social support network system.  

The status of your sexual relationship with your child’s other parent should not change your role in your child’s life.

The status of your child support payments should not change your role in your child’s life.

Your marital status or the new baby in your life should not change your role in your child’s life.

As we enter into a new school year, bring your “A” game to your child’s school.  “B” present and be counted in your child’s community. And “C” to it that your presence in your child’s life makes a difference in their present and future.

(3) Tips to rebuild your life after a separation.

Going through a divorce is akin to experiencing the death of a loved one.  You lose companionship, a second income, a lifestyle, the house, maybe the kids, the in-laws, and let’s not forget the obvious…on demand sex partner.  Your life changes.  For those who have gone through this difficult journey, the most challenging obstacle to face after a separation or divorce is rebuilding your life and your finances after your spouse has left you with bad credit, large sums of debt, and empty bank accounts.

I am excited to report that you CAN and WILL overcome with (3) simple steps:

1. Pull your credit report, understand your debt to income ratio, and make a plan to start saving. When I started college, my father took me to the bank and opened up my first bank account. He funded the account with $300. He told me to add $25 a month at a minimum to the account anytime I got paid. As time passed, that initial deposit of $300 grew into thousands. The day after my law school graduation, I moved out of my student housing apartment and into my very first home purchase as a single woman with savings accumulated from minimum wage jobs throughout the majority of my undergraduate and law school years. Little becomes much over time with a vision, plan, and discipline.

2. “Post-Separation support” is vital. Yes, financial support from your ex-spouse would be helpful to you as you start your new life without him or her. However, the support I’m talking about is when you surround yourself with healthy, supportive, and wise individuals. God did not intend for us to live in this world alone or do life solo. Whether you are single, married, or divorced we need community. We need individuals in our lives that will encourage us when we feel defeated. We need sister friends that will give us hope when we are depressed. And we need mature individuals in our lives that will steer us in the right direction and speak words of wisdom when we are stuck on stupid.

3. Trust in God. A broken marriage may have the potential to impair your faith, if you let it. You have to dig deep down within and hold on to your faith. Your faith will give you the strength and power to climb the mountain and push through the obstacles. When you pull from the source that is greater than you, the impossible becomes reachable. And you become unstoppable.

Believe it or not, the harder the trials on the journey the sweeter the victory.  The greatest comebacks worth telling and remembering are the ones when the onlookers counted you out or when the deficit appeared insurmountable on its face.  A Final Judgment and Decree of Divorce is not the sum total of your life.  Begin again.  Press the reset button.  You will rise, you will grow, and you will love your life again.

Top (3) qualities of a few good men.

How many fathers do you know that have spent entire mornings sitting on a wooden bench in the gallery of a courtroom trying to wait patiently for their name or case to be called? How many times have you heard a man brag about how he takes care of his kids, because he bought his son a new pair of Jordans to wear the first day of school?  How many women or girlfriends have you listened to share their disappointments regarding their child’s absentee father neglecting to call their child for weeks, months, and sadly years for some?  Recently, I got to sit next to a father in court who was there for the right reasons.  He was standing up to be heard.  He was present to be accounted for.  He was laying down the foundation to protect and enforce his rights as his child’s father. He was ensuring that no one would displace him from his child’s life.  He was fighting for justice and for a lifetime relationship with his child.  I was so proud to call this man, this father, my client.

He knew how to get in contact with his child’s teacher.  He did not have to ask his baby momma about what happened at the pediatrician’s office, because he was there.  He’s the type of dad that has contact information for his child’s coach, he possesses his own personal copy of his child’s soccer practices and games.   He knows the medications to pack for his child’s weekend visits with the other parent.  His child has a secure attachment to him, because he’s a man of his word.  The genuine smile on the face of his child lets me know that his child loves and respects her father.  This father understands what it means to protect, provide, and support your child.

Protect means maintain healthy boundaries that protect your child emotionally and physically.  My husband and I may have our moments when we are like oil and water, but when it comes to protecting his baby boy or girl, my husband DOES NOT PLAY!

Provide means make sure that your children have healthy meals and snacks daily.  Provide means your children have clean clothes, safe and secure shelter, and quality education.  It is your responsibility to make sure that your child has these things whether they live with you or not.

And finally, support.  Many people think of “child support” and money when we use the word support in the context of custody and children.  However, support means  pick up your child from school.  Help your child with his or her homework.  Take your daughter to get her hair done.  Help your son design and create posters for student government elections.  Support means that you step in and fill in the gaps wherever they are needed without an invitation to act.

So, fathers, I implore you…protect, provide, and support your children.  When you do you sow peace in your co-parenting relationships.  You will reap respect and honor from your child’s mother. And you will have the opportunity to spend more time with your child and less time in a courtroom.  Finally,  you are making a difference and building a foundation for emotionally strong, healthy, and happy children.

(5) Reasons family law attorneys want out of the attorney-client relationship.

The world is wandering, what is the deal with Kanye West’s last five family law attorneys.  Why would an attorney walk away from a client that has the deep pockets to afford his/her retainer fee?  Why drop a client that has the potential to cover your overhead expenses for at least a year and more?

Contrary to popular beliefs, all lawyers don’t chase after every client.  Just like you have a vision of your ideal soulmate, attorneys have a vision of their ideal client.  You may get into a relationship because of money, but money will only take your relationship but so far.  The same is true with the attorney-client relationship.

Here are five reasons lawyers want OUT of the attorney-client relationship they are in:

1. Clients who don’t listen to your advice. A wise man once said: “Speak not in the ears of a fool: For he will despise the wisdom of thy words.” It’s so frustrating to have years of practical legal experience, earned a juris doctor upon the completion of three years in law school, and passed the bar exam, yet have a client who does the opposite of what you tell them. If your client believes and acts like he knows more than you about the law, then he doesn’t need a lawyer. He needs a fan.

2. Unethical clients. There are clients that believe that “by any means necessary” includes your bar license. They want you to do whatever it takes to win no matter who it hurts. I want to win, but not at the risk of losing my soul. I’m not willing to sacrifice my reputation and career to make anyone happy.

3. The MIA client. There are clients that don’t want to be found by anyone, including their own attorney. Such client is absent and delays the process. That type of client needs to be alone at the table in the courtroom.

4. The client doesn’t have the money to pay you. Yes, it’s true, attorneys want to get paid. There is a distinction between free legal services versus unpaid, earned legal services. Attorneys abhor the latter. We want to make the decision on pro bono services and don’t appreciate anyone taking that right away from us.

5. “Can’t we all just get along” doesn’t seem to work with our client. Great relationships involve good chemistry. Some people just don’t mix. As an attorney, you don’t know people until you see them deal with stress and their ex-spouse.

I don’t know the underlying reasons Kanye West and his attorneys parted ways.  But what I do know is that all money is not good money.   Some relationships costs more than what it’s worth.   Before you select an attorney, make sure it’s a good fit and you and your attorney are willing to go the distance.  Switching attorneys often is not wise.  It inherently signals to the judge that you may be the problem and not the other party.

Therefore, enter into the attorney-client relationship wisely.  Pick a lawyer like you would fruit.  And remember, the attorney-client relationship is a real RELATIONSHIP with expectations.  It requires your cooperation, your participation, and your commitment to seeking justice.

(7) Things you should know about co-parenting.

Don’t you just hate it when you’ve been on your feet after a long stressful day at work preparing a nutritious dinner for your beloved family and in comes your spouse with a bottle of Coca-Cola, Domino’s pizza, and hot wings.  Have you experienced stripping your children of their electronic devices and screen time because of their poor attitude and grades and observed your spouse hand your son or daughter his iPhone so he could take a nap without any disturbance? And for all of my Nubian sisters reading this, how do you feel after your husband takes your daughter to the water park the day after you paid for a Dominican blowout?  In marriage, these real life events I described earlier are ingredients for a perfect storm especially coupled with demands at work.  However, when you are separated or divorced, these “minor” infractions breed hostility and resentment in a relationship that is already broken.

Providing the best for your child is hard work.  Training your children to choose and eat healthy foods and cultivate a desire to learn and read is a process that takes a considerable amount of time.  Creating a home environment absent the influences of our culture and society is a challenge.  Raising your child to be a good student at school, a person of integrity, and faithful in completing chores at home is not an assignment for the faint at heart.  Now, imagine having to share these responsibilities with a parent that does not live with you.  This idea and vision is what is referred to as co-parenting.  Co-parenting feels impossible when the other parent does not support your child(ren) financially,  ignores your concerns about your child, hangs the phone up in your face when he or she does not like what you have to say, and disrespects you in the presence of your child.  If you were honest with yourself, the thought of the other parent staying away permanently and remain out of the picture would be like getting your Christmas presents in August.  In those moments, there is no desire to be polite.  There is no desire to see (let alone talk to) the other parent, or share ANY information with him or her.  In fact, blocking the phone number of your child’s other parent becomes second nature and very comforting.  Figuratively speaking, we throw the other parent and the notion of “co-parenting” out the window.  Before you close and lock the window on co-parenting, here are (7) things you should know about co-parenting:

1. If a judge has awarded both parents with joint legal custody (North Carolina and Georgia matters) or shared parental responsibility (Florida matters) it means that both parents have a legal responsibility to make important decisions regarding the health, education, discipline, etc. of their minor child together and obtain the input and consent of the other parent. This requires open and consistent communication between both parties.

2. It is a good practice to list the name of both parents on all school, dental and medical records so that both parents have access to the information pertaining to the child(ren) upon request. Omitting the name of the other parent when you register your child for school is not a good idea. Attorney’s (like me) will use this behavior to show that you are attempting to alienate the other parent from your child’s life.

3. Make healthy communication a habit between you and the other parent. Healthy communication in co-parenting is non-negotiable. Good habits for healthy communication includes mutual respect. Refrain from the use of sarcasm, profanity, yelling, and ending a phone call abruptly without notice when communicating.

4. Schedule times and decide on methods of communication that work for both parties. Someone’s a nasty and short response to your text message may have nothing to do with you, but have everything to do with the text coming at 3 a.m. in the morning about inconsequential stuff (e.g. stupid stuff).

5. Do not use the children to communicate your feelings, plans, and desires to the other parent. Let children have the opportunity to love their mother and father without considering your opinions and feelings. Growing up in these times is challenging. Being raised in two separate homes, with different expectations and rules is a lot for your child to deal with. Having them process your feelings and attitudes about their mother or father before interacting with that parent is a detriment to the emotional and mental wellbeing of your child.

6. Get professional help and therapy to deal with the harm and pain the other parent caused you during your relationship. You must learn how to manage your emotions when dealing with the pain and heartache the other parent caused you. Unless you do, your child will grow and learn to despise the other parent in the same way you do. However, if that is your intent, you are setting your child up for relational issues in the future.

7. If co-parenting does harm to your child, then seek a modification of the Court order first before you make a unilateral decision to not abide by the Court order. Two wrongs don’t make it right. Failure to heed this warning may result in the other parent filing a Motion for Contempt and possibly opening you up to being jailed or fined for violation of a Court order. Document the ways in which the other parent has displayed that they lack the disposition to co-parent and have that evidence ready for production in a trial.

Parenting is a job for a lifetime.  Trying to co-parent when you are dealing with the hurt and pain that your child’s other parent may have caused make the experience of co-parenting a dreadful one.  However, you can do it in a healthy way with the right plan, mindset, and attitude.  Your children deserve to have both parents raise him or her.  Poor communication and relational skills may pose as a challenge to co-parenting, but these challenges can be overcome.  Let principles of mutual respect, learning when it is appropriate to speak and how to speak, and love for humanity guide you and set you free.

(7) Reasons why you should SMILE more often while you are going through life stuff.

Here I was in high school, minding my own business, dealing with life “stuff” as best as I could, heading to my typing class, when I spotted my track coach and Ms. Childress talking in the hallway outside of our classroom.  They greeted me and commented how good of a student I was, but that I had an “attitude”.  I did not have an attitude (in my opinion) going into class, but after that comment I DEFINITELY had an attitude.   The younger version of Betty did not care about the opinions of my teachers back then, just my grades.  What I did not understand then, but what I understand now is that “smiling” affects how you feel and how people respond to you.  Smiling has an undeniable power to communicate joy and peace.  As a child and teenager growing up in Miami, smiling was not my default look.  If there is no funny joke being told, then laughing or smiling was an unnecessary effort

When family feuds are in season, no one feels like smiling.  When the bills are due and your money is looking funny, no one feels like smiling.  When “John” breaks his arm at school and your baby daddy is behind on his child support payments, no one feels like smiling.  When your parents are yelling and screaming throughout the night over the text messages and inappropriate pictures daddy’s friend from work sent him, no one feels like smiling.   Smiling becomes hard and feels unnatural.

So on behalf of the frustrated, tired, weary souls out there, I’ll say what you are thinking, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!”   However, as a matured adult, mother, wife, and business owner, I’ve learned that a smile has the power to change hearts, attitudes, minds, and positions.  Here are (7) seven things you should know about smiling and the impact it has on your life and community.

1. Smiling when you first wake up in the morning sets the right tone for your day. Smiling lets your brain know that you are in control of your emotions and not the behaviors of your spouse or children.

2. Smiling lets your children know that you are happy to see them and are blessed to have them in your life. Your children need to know they are loved and valued. A smile is a simple way to communicate that.

3. Smiling lets your baby momma or baby daddy know that your life did not fall apart after they left. Your joy and happiness is not a result of your relationship with them, but comes from your relationship with God.

4. Smiling speaks to your fears about tomorrow and replaces them with hope for your future. When you smile, you are making a decision to let go of what you cannot control and make the best of your present.

5. Smiling sends a message to everyone you encounter that you are blessed and are existed to be among the living.

6. Smiling brightens up a room. There is a light shining out of you that draws others to you and adds light in darkness.

7. Smiling is a gift to yourself, because your ‘teeth out’ is beautiful.

Your ability to smile is weakened when husbands or wives leave.  Smiles are threatened when daddies are absent from the home and walk out of the lives of their children.  Broken homes and relationships bring tears and frowns and smiles are nowhere to be found.  Whether you find yourself raising a child on your own without any financial or social support from the other parent, or whether your spouse abandoned you after 20 years of marriage, the greatest tragedy is to allow that former relationship or event(s) in your life steal your smile.  So today, I encourage and implore you to just stop…breath…and SMILE!

If you need legal guidance and advice with working through life “stuff” with your estranged spouse or the parent of your child(ren) we are here to help you.  We will provide you service with a smile and lots of encouragement along the way.

(3) Things you MUST know before you separate from you spouse.

One of the most bitter sweet songs of all times is the one written by Boyz to Men, “It’s So Hard to Say Goodbye.” Normally the song is played at funerals.  However, the words are apropos to separating from your spouse.  

A couples wedding day is one of those events that are recorded permanently in pictures, videos, and with the Clerk of Superior Court in the county where the couple obtained their marriage license.  For most, your wedding day is one of the most memorable, life changing events in your life.  The wedding day is followed with other major events such as the honeymoon, moving in together, purchasing your first home, the birth of a child, etc.  These are memories that we cannot undo or do over.  Our spouses become part of our history, they impact our lifestyles, friendships, socioeconomic status, and more.  What happens when the passion ends and the marital relationship is damaging your spirit and soul within?  How about when your marriage is causing injury to your financial health and security?  For some, going to jail for charges of domestic violence is one option to deal with the spouse we now hate with a passion.  There are those that feel trapped and break under the stress and the pressure of the marital relationship. Unfortunately, those individuals find themselves being admitted to a hospital as a result of the stress, anxiety, and pressure.  Then there’s a group of married couples that come to the realization, before the side effects of a broken and unhealthy marriage become irreparable, that it’s time to say goodbye to their vision of their “happily ever after” and physically separate from their spouse.

Here are (3) there things you MUST know and do when you decide to separate from your spouse:

1. Have a financial plan in place before you move out of the marital home. Your plan MUST include where you will live and how you will financially support yourself. The spouse that is financially dependent on the supporting spouse assumes that the supporting spouse is obligated to continue supporting him or her. In some instances, that is true. However, if the former spouse does not want to provide the support to the other spouse, then the spouse that needs the support must file a post separation spousal support claim against the other spouse and bring that cause of action before a judge to make a decision on the matter if parties are unable to agree. That legal process may take months to resolve.

2. Have copies of your financial records and important legal documents in your possession before you leave the house. In a divorce matter, you will be required to provide copies of your bank records, car titles, loan documents, receipts of home repairs and more to settle any claims you may have to personal and real property acquired before and during your marriage. Trying to get these documents can be a hassle and a huge challenge if you no longer have access to the safe at the house where these documents were kept.

3. Learn to manage your emotions before you make the decision to separate from your spouse and leave the marital home. Human relationships are challenging to work through when there are problems. A healthy marriage relationship is a work of a lifetime to grow and maintain. Marriage requires: (1) prayer; (2) a community of healthy couples that you can trust for wisdom, counsel, and encouragement; and (3) love. No matter what you decide to do with your marriage relationship, please remember to make decisions when you are not emotional. I recommend seeking support from a therapists to work through those though emotions. The divorce process (legally, emotionally, and financially) will test you in ways that you could never imagine. Learning to cope with your loss and separation and manage the myriad of extreme emotions YOU WILL feel is a requirement for healing after your separation and divorce.

Saying good bye to a marriage is not easy.  To promote a healthy transition from a “married” status to a “separated” or “single” status, you should have a (1) financial plan, (2) copies of your financial records and important legal documents, and (3) a social support system to help you navigate your separation.  

If you are going through a separation or a divorce and need legal counsel, guidance, and support, we at Toussaint Law are here to help you.  Give us a call or visit us on-line to learn more about how we support our clients with achieving justice and wholeness.   

Family Feud

When I started my legal career, family law was not in my foreseeable future.  I had no desire to deal with the wide range of emotions of my clients.  Now here I am years later, speaking and writing about children and their families.  I’m lifting up my voice to speak up on behalf of the children who are caught in the crossfires of dysfunctional families and the relationships within them.

Like many families, my family of origin had its share of drama, discord, burned bridges, etc.  As a child, I hated being dragged in the middle of the family feuds.  One minute I’m packing up my toys to take to my cousins house for a Sunday playdate.  Then the very next weekend, we’re told that we will no longer be permitted to visit that family members home again.  Instead of playing, my brother and I are moping around the house, singing a song we wrote for the occasion made up of one stanza, “Boring, borrring…bore, bore, bore, bore, borrrring.”  The close family bonds are abruptly stopped with no explanation ever given as to why.  Children are expected to just adapt to the changes and move on with their life absent the relationships and people they grew to love.

To the parent(s), on behalf of every child that has experienced that type of disruption, please STOP IT!  It’s not fair to our children and it’s unhealthy.  Here are (3) rules that parents should follow when feuding with members of their family to protect their children:

1. Keep your negative comments and thoughts about the family member you are feuding with to yourself. Talking about someone else’s business and life, is not your child’s business.

2. Nurture and maintain the relationships the children have developed with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents irrespective of your relationship with his/her parent. Your ex-mother-in-law may hate you, but she loves her grand babies.

3. Teach your children that love and respect does not discriminate or expire because the nature of the relationship changes. Mutual love and respect should be the standard whether you like me or not. Remember that saying, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” This idea is also true and relevant when family members are feuding. Hate is too heavy of a burden to carry, especially for a child.

Our children have feelings and relationships of their own.  Those feelings and relationships matter.  When your child has bonded to a loved one, it hurts them when we remove that person from their life without just cause.  It is important for us to model kindness, respect, and boundaries to our children even with family members we love to hate.  Young children have the uncanny ability to forgive quickly and often.  Adults could learn a thing or two from our children.  Maintaining the status quo or relationships in your child’s life will build confidence and secure attachments.  

So the next time you want to talk about your sister’s issues with the men she dates, or the loan that your cousin never paid back….DON’T.  It is doing more damage than good to the child that is listening and learning how to be you.

If you would like to learn more about how we support children and their families, follow us on Facebook, Instagram, or YouTube.  We are only a phone call away if you would like to schedule a consultation to learn more about how we fight for justice and wholeness.

Shining After Darkness

“He’s dead to me”!  Those were the words that were written by an uncle as he recalled in his mind the nestled and nurtured memories of every horrible deed his young and foolish nephew had committed against him or those closest to him.  When your niece steals from you it creates distrust in the relationship.  When your nephew tells you a bold face lie to your face your first reaction is to show up at his work place.  When the teens in our family blast us on social media and post all the family drama on FaceBook and Instagram, we may find ourselves in the pit of shame, shock, and disappointment.     Those wounds from those we call family take the hardest to heal.   These relationships overlap with so many other relationships, infect the atmosphere at family dinners, inform and influence the names added or removed on invitation lists for family weddings and special events, and taint the precious memories we once spoke of fondly.  However, when the pain we experience comes from the young people in our families, I am calling on our seasoned family members to set the example of reconciliation, forgiveness, and redemption.

Children and youth make mistakes.  It’s in their nature.  We should expect them to disappoint us in their lifetime.  Who doesn’t?  We should expect that they may make choices and decisions that go against reason and logic.  The underdeveloped frontal lobe requires time to mature and grow.  Adults with a fully developed frontal lobe and years of life experience should step up their mentoring game and extend grace and love  to the children and emerging young adults in their families who need us to see the best in them.

Here are three things to remember when you are dealing with a situation with a young family member that has hurt you.

1. Remember children and emerging young adults need time to mature and grow in wisdom when you respond to them.  Thus, respond to them in the same manner you would have wanted an adult family member to respond to you at that age and understanding—with a spirit of patience, acceptance, and less criticism.  Show those children and emerging young adults unconditional love even when they are not lovable.

2. Remember we have ALL experienced a season in our lives when we were stuck on “stupid.”  Think about how you ended up with a credit score of 630.  How about the number of baby mamas or daddies you have to deal with in order to see your children or get some child support.  Your present situation is a result of your “stuck in stupid season.”   So, don’t act brand new.

3. Stop carrying and storing records of bad acts committed by others and make room in your mind and heart to receive joy, peace, and love when it is given.  If you don’t allow young people to forget their past, then how can they focus on changing their future.  The present is a gift.  Cherish it and make the best of what you have with your today.

We cannot control who we inherited as family members in our lives.  But we can control how we relate to the family members in our lives.  My hope is that we have stronger and healthier family bonds in our lives.  A truly clean and healthy heart cannot carry both love and hate within.  One who professes to be good should not then advocate evil.   Wrong and right thinking do not coexist in healthy mindsets and attitudes.  Our young people need more light in a world filled with darkness.  I would hope that as an uncle, or aunt, you will see the opportunity you have to influence and make a difference in the life of your niece or nephew.  Resurrect the “dead” and speak life over that young person’s life.

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