(7) Tips to communicate to your baby momma or daddy when you don’t want to.

All jokes aside, there is nothing more depressing than finally leaving a toxic and unhealthy relationship and then learning one or two weeks later that you are pregnant for a man you loathe.  Did your baby momma cheat on you during your relationship? Did he only spend quality time with you in the bedroom under the sheets? Did he only perform acts of service when he wanted some?  Did she lack the emotional capacity and vocabulary to speak words of affirmation? Did you bring a child into the world together and are now living apart? If you answered yes to any of these questions, communicating with that other parent is the last thing that you want to do. Lending money to a friend and waiting to be repaid can be annoying.  Imagine waiting months and years for child support to come from your child’s mother or father when s/he is only ordered to pay $50 per month. The word “annoying” does not adequately convey or do justice to your feelings about that parent.  For those who engage in communication with the other parent that includes yelling, cussing, tears, and disrespect this message is for you. I don’t need to ask whether you can relate to the scenarios above because the numbers tell it all. 

According to Pew Research Center, 23% of U.S. children under the age of 18 live in a single parent home. The docket for child support cases needing to be heard is high and the number of domestic violence cases in our criminal courts is alarming. Regardless of the circumstances, you have to find ways to communicate for the sake of your children.  Here are (7) effective ways to communicate to your child’s other parent.

1. FOCUS ON THE FACTS.  Communicate factual information related to the children using email and/or text messages.  As an attorney, we are skilled in distinguishing facts from feelings.  When you communicate with the other parent, share your emotions and feelings with your friends, family, and God and just stick with the facts when discussing issues related to your child.

2. LET THE APPROPRIATE PARTIES DO THE TALKING.   Add the other parent’s contact information on school records and online medical portals for your child so the other parent has direct access to the information and parties.  Share your baby momma’s or daddy’s contact information with your child’s coaches so that the coach can speak directly to both parents regarding your child’s progress, games, etc.  Invite the other parent to participate in doctor appointments, parent teacher conferences, and the extracurricular activities for your child.  Give the other parent the opportunity to receive the information firsthand and remove yourself from being the middle man when it comes to communication about your child. Let the professionals do the talking when it comes to sharing information regarding your child’s welfare, health, and education if you don’t want to.

3. COMMUNICATE ON A FULL TANK.  It’s very hard to tolerate foolishness and petty behavior from others when we are under a lot of stress and dealing with life challenges.  Some of us may not have enough self-control to guard our tongues and words when we are feeling the strain under the pressures of life. Thus, it is important to know thyself and know when your emotional tank is full or empty.  Wait to communicate with your child’s other parent if your emotional tank is low.  Speaking at the wrong time with the wrong tone with the wrong words is  not in your child’s best interest.

4. USE A PARENTING COORDINATOR.  Parenting coordinators are ordered by a judge for families that have highly contested custody battles.  Parenting coordinators are not free.  However, if you have a volatile relationship with your child’s baby daddy or momma, then having a neutral third party decide the issues that you cannot seem to agree upon will help tremendously.  Ask an attorney about how to get a court order for a parenting coordinator in your custody matter.

5. SEEK THE ASSISTANCE OF A FAMILY COUNSELOR.  Whether you like it or not, you and your child’s mother or father are now family for life. If you have the funds to afford a family therapist I recommend getting one and both parents participate. A family therapist may help you navigate the murky waters of co-parenting if you just can’t seem to get on the same page with your child’s other parent. If the relationship is strained, then invest in a counselor that can help you and the other parent work through your personal issues and give you the strategies to co-parent with each other.

6. DAILY COMMUNICATION BETWEEN YOUR CHILD AND THE OTHER PARENT.   Your child should get in the habit of having open and frequent communication with both parents.  School aged children know how to talk and share their feelings with adults.  Set-up a regular time and space for your child to speak openly and freely with the other parent.

7. BE RESPECTFUL WHEN COMMUNICATING.  You don’t have to like someone to treat them with respect.  Profanity, screaming, and yelling should NEVER be used when communicating with anybody.  If you struggle with those behaviors, then recognize that there are some areas in your character that you need to grow in and extend some grace to yourself and others.

Words have the power of life and death.  Oftentimes we say the wrong things at the wrong time in the wrong way.  Other times we fail to realize that we should not be speaking at all and someone else needs to be doing the talking.  Our children need both their parents to communicate with each other for their sake.  As parents learn how to communicate about matters related to their child, our children benefit. Our children will have two engaged parents and develop stronger bonds and relationships with both parents.