Dear Diary…
I feel so lonely right now. My tears won’t stop falling. I’m scared that the judge will take daddy away. It’s all mom’s fault. She hates daddy. Sometimes I think she hates me because everyone says I look like him. I can’t fall asleep right now. Every time I close my eyes, I keep having nightmares—me screaming at daddy and mommy to stop fighting. Sometimes I want to live with daddy, but I don’t want to be around his ugly girlfriend. She’s not my mother and I don’t need her as a friend. I’ve got plenty. She tries to smile in my face and be nice when daddy is around, but when daddy leaves me here with her she yells at me and she’s mean. She lets her son do whatever he wants to, but when I do any little thing she wants to snatch my phone. She has no right to take my phone. It’s not hers. She’s not my mother and I don’t have to listen to her. She’s not the boss of me. I just want it to just be me and daddy when I come to his house. He never spends any time with me. He’s either sleeping, watching a basketball game, or spending time with his girlfriend. I don’t think he loves me anymore. He has his “new” family now. This sucks. I wish mommy and daddy were still together minus the yelling, screaming, and fighting. They hate each other because of me. I hate my life. I’m sad. I can’t stop crying right now. Mommy’s always crying and she’s always so sad. I don’t know how to make her happy. Maybe if I went away they’d both be happy…
If you were to read a page from the diary of your child, what would it say? What would you learn about how your child really feels about you? Would you care? Do you care? Do not interpret their lack of communication or silence to mean that they are fine with the status quo.
Your new beau may be a new “threat” in your child’s eyes. Feelings of jealously, insecurity, and anger may lay low under the radar and may go undetected when your child spends time in their room alone, or on their phone. Children fall in and out of love with their parents.
Children may not feel comfortable sharing their private thoughts with their parents. Some don’t know how. Some may not get the opportunity. Oftentimes, fighting parents don’t consider the impact the dysfunctional and toxic relationship and behaviors are having on their child. Children are ALWAYS caught in the crossfires of adults that don’t know how to manage their emotions and unresolved relational issues. It’s not right and it’s not fair to the children of these relationships.
Young children do not have the tools and skills needed to effectively communicate their feelings. When we’ve moved on with our lives, they have not. When we’ve disconnected emotionally and physically from their father or mother, they have not. If many parents could write the script for how the story of their lives would end, it would include a scene where the other parent gets hit by a car and dies. Then the surviving parent gets a letter from their attorney explaining that the pending custody action got dismissed, he or she has sole custody and primary physical custody of the minor child, and they now live happily ever after.
I get it, stress-free living, a life devoid of baby momma drama, paystubs that don’t include a monthly child support deduction would be lovely. HOWEVER (not unfortunately), the truth is that your child needs both parents in their lives. Fathers provide protection and security to their child. Mothers provide structure and care. When both parents learn to work together to raise and love their child, it produces confident and emotionally secure children.
Parents must learn to do what is in the best interests of the child(ren) and recognize when their preferences and past relational traumas are having an adverse affect on their judgement and behaviors as it relates to their child(ren). Get professional intervention to deal with the pain and hurt you experienced in the relationship with your ex-spouse or ex-partner if your hate for that person is greater than your love for your child. My hope is that you will be “woke” to the realities found in your child’s heart.