“He’s dead to me”! Those were the words that were written by an uncle as he recalled in his mind the nestled and nurtured memories of every horrible deed his young and foolish nephew had committed against him or those closest to him. When your niece steals from you it creates distrust in the relationship. When your nephew tells you a bold face lie to your face your first reaction is to show up at his work place. When the teens in our family blast us on social media and post all the family drama on FaceBook and Instagram, we may find ourselves in the pit of shame, shock, and disappointment. Those wounds from those we call family take the hardest to heal. These relationships overlap with so many other relationships, infect the atmosphere at family dinners, inform and influence the names added or removed on invitation lists for family weddings and special events, and taint the precious memories we once spoke of fondly. However, when the pain we experience comes from the young people in our families, I am calling on our seasoned family members to set the example of reconciliation, forgiveness, and redemption.
Children and youth make mistakes. It’s in their nature. We should expect them to disappoint us in their lifetime. Who doesn’t? We should expect that they may make choices and decisions that go against reason and logic. The underdeveloped frontal lobe requires time to mature and grow. Adults with a fully developed frontal lobe and years of life experience should step up their mentoring game and extend grace and love to the children and emerging young adults in their families who need us to see the best in them.
Here are three things to remember when you are dealing with a situation with a young family member that has hurt you.
Remember children and emerging young adults need time to mature and grow in wisdom when you respond to them. Thus, respond to them in the same manner you would have wanted an adult family member to respond to you at that age and understanding—with a spirit of patience, acceptance, and less criticism. Show those children and emerging young adults unconditional love even when they are not lovable.
Remember we have ALL experienced a season in our lives when we were stuck on “stupid.” Think about how you ended up with a credit score of 630. How about the number of baby mamas or daddies you have to deal with in order to see your children or get some child support. Your present situation is a result of your “stuck in stupid season.” So, don’t act brand new.
Stop carrying and storing records of bad acts committed by others and make room in your mind and heart to receive joy, peace, and love when it is given. If you don’t allow young people to forget their past, then how can they focus on changing their future. The present is a gift. Cherish it and make the best of what you have with your today.
We cannot control who we inherited as family members in our lives. But we can control how we relate to the family members in our lives. My hope is that we have stronger and healthier family bonds in our lives. A truly clean and healthy heart cannot carry both love and hate within. One who professes to be good should not then advocate evil. Wrong and right thinking do not coexist in healthy mindsets and attitudes. Our young people need more light in a world filled with darkness. I would hope that as an uncle, or aunt, you will see the opportunity you have to influence and make a difference in the life of your niece or nephew. Resurrect the “dead” and speak life over that young person’s life.
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