When I started my legal career, family law was not in my foreseeable future. I had no desire to deal with the wide range of emotions of my clients. Now here I am years later, speaking and writing about children and their families. I’m lifting up my voice to speak up on behalf of the children who are caught in the crossfires of dysfunctional families and the relationships within them.
Like many families, my family of origin had its share of drama, discord, burned bridges, etc. As a child, I hated being dragged in the middle of the family feuds. One minute I’m packing up my toys to take to my cousins house for a Sunday playdate. Then the very next weekend, we’re told that we will no longer be permitted to visit that family members home again. Instead of playing, my brother and I are moping around the house, singing a song we wrote for the occasion made up of one stanza, “Boring, borrring…bore, bore, bore, bore, borrrring.” The close family bonds are abruptly stopped with no explanation ever given as to why. Children are expected to just adapt to the changes and move on with their life absent the relationships and people they grew to love.
To the parent(s), on behalf of every child that has experienced that type of disruption, please STOP IT! It’s not fair to our children and it’s unhealthy. Here are (3) rules that parents should follow when feuding with members of their family to protect their children:
Keep your negative comments and thoughts about the family member you are feuding with to yourself. Talking about someone else’s business and life, is not your child’s business.
Nurture and maintain the relationships the children have developed with their cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents irrespective of your relationship with his/her parent. Your ex-mother-in-law may hate you, but she loves her grand babies.
Teach your children that love and respect does not discriminate or expire because the nature of the relationship changes. Mutual love and respect should be the standard whether you like me or not. Remember that saying, “Don’t hate the player, hate the game.” This idea is also true and relevant when family members are feuding. Hate is too heavy of a burden to carry, especially for a child.
Our children have feelings and relationships of their own. Those feelings and relationships matter. When your child has bonded to a loved one, it hurts them when we remove that person from their life without just cause. It is important for us to model kindness, respect, and boundaries to our children even with family members we love to hate. Young children have the uncanny ability to forgive quickly and often. Adults could learn a thing or two from our children. Maintaining the status quo or relationships in your child’s life will build confidence and secure attachments.
So the next time you want to talk about your sister’s issues with the men she dates, or the loan that your cousin never paid back….DON’T. It is doing more damage than good to the child that is listening and learning how to be you.
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